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Note to Self: "You Got This"


Next weekend Hubby and I will load up the car and drop my son off at college. I should be ready. I mean I’ve had 18 years to prepare for this and we knew this day would come one day but I am not ready.

Yes, I’m excited for him having the opportunity to attend college. Those years of A/P and IB courses and practice paid off. He earned a scholarship and he also received a music scholarship as well. He did the work, he earned the prize.  I'm so proud of him.

As proud as I am for him, I am absolutely terrified for me. A friend and I were talking. She’s in a similar situation. Her youngest leaves for college in a few weeks so my friend and her husband have started “hanging out” with other couples.

“it’s kinda weird hanging out with adults when so much of our lives revolved around our kids. I come home and I literally have nothing to do.”

Her words reminded me of all those hours spent in the car as my kid’s practice ran late or waiting at the school for the bus to arrive from that Away game. So much of the last 18 years my schedule has been well, his schedule.

I kinda' figured this would happen so I made plans. My best friends and I started making travel plans.  We had been talking about what we'd do once my kid started college.  Countless phone calls, texts, Facebook posts and so many plans. 

Then in June everything changed. Both my friends passed away unexpectedly.

In a matter of 12 days I lost 2 of my very best friends. On the day of one of my friend's funeral I was visiting the other at the hospital. We had been talking about life after my kid graduates high school. We had talked about my upcoming return to the S.F. Bay Area and the big backyard BBQ. We spoke about Costa Rica as a possible spot or even just taking a much needed “girls trip”.

I've never felt a loss so deep in my entire life.  There are days a weight weighs so heavily on my heart I feel as if my chest is caving in.  There are moments tears fall from my eyes as I think of my life without their presence.  

A loss I am forced to accept.  
   A loss I am struggling to comprehend.
      A loss unlike anything I've ever known.

I was preparing for emptying our little nest by preoccupying myself with other activities with dear friends and a slow return to finding myself.  Now I am taking deep breaths and saying "You got this" over and over as if it's some sort of mantra or something. A reassurance of being in the present despite the physical absence of those who were to join me on this next phase of my life journey, a journey I will now have to face all alone but I'll be okay.  I got this. 

Comments

Masshole Mommy said…
That is TERRIBLE, but you do have this. My oldest is going off to high school this year, so I know I will be in your shoes before I know it.
I am sorry you lost two friends, and so close together. We haven't had "couple" friends in ages, I miss it.
My son leaves Aug. 21. I am back and forth with a range of emotions. I've been through this with my daughter and that was hard for sure. It's not easy no matter what.
Alli Smith said…
That is horrible about your friends! Hugs to you! I remember when my kids went off the college. I held the tears in until I walked away and cried just about all the way home. Praying for you!
I am so sorry for your loss and yes, I am sure you do have it but it is going to be hard and scary and it is ok to cry and even scream at times. I wish your son the best in College.
Tomi Clark said…
Thank you so much for your uplifting words and well wishes. You're right... each of you, it's not easy, it's gonna be scary but I'll get through this.
Jeannette said…
I still have a few more years but I'm telling you now I think I will handle it well. I might have to go with him to college because of how much I will miss it. It is hard to do and I know it is necessary but it definitely does not make it easier!
Terri Steffes said…
So, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Friends like that are so hard to come by. I do hope you will reach out to others who are just waiting to be your friend!! The college thing is hard. I cried each time I dropped her off at her dorm. Still, I loved seeing her mature into the lovely lady she is today.
Sorry to hear that about your friends! Hugs! I am dreading the day when my kids go off to college.. I will miss them so much!
AiringMyLaundry said…
Oh my gosh, you have been through a lot. I am so sorry about your friends. And I know it must be tough dropping your child off at college. I am not looking forward to doing that.
Tasheena Womack said…
I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your two friends. I don't know what you're battling on a daily basis. But I know this next chapter of your life is going to be even greater.
Lisa said…
I am so sorry for your loss. Add to that a kid going off to college and I'm sure you feel so lost and alone.
Sara Welch said…
That is so tragic and heartbreaking. No one should suffer losses so frequently. You got this girl.
Kita Bryant said…
I really am so sorry to hear about your losses. Dealing with something like that is n ever easy.
Marysa said…
Sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time. That is a lot for you to be handling at one time. I hope you are hanging in there and that your son's college experience goes smoothly.
NYCSingleMom said…
I know it's not an easy time and there is so much happening. And your son going off to college is tough but think of all the stories he will have after he arrives that will take your mind off of the sadness. Good luck!
Maddy said…
My son is only four and I can't even imagine how hard this would be. I struggle taking him to my parents' house for a sleepover! Big hugs to you!
Chubskulit Rose said…
I am so sorry for your loss, that's a terrible situation to go though. You do got this!
I'm sorry for your loss. You have been through a lot but remember that you are a strong person and that you can do this.

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