Next weekend Hubby and I will load up the car and drop my son off at college. I should be ready. I mean I’ve had 18 years to prepare for this and we knew this day would come one day but I am not ready.
Yes, I’m excited for him having the opportunity to attend college. Those years of A/P and IB courses and practice paid off. He earned a scholarship and he also received a music scholarship as well. He did the work, he earned the prize. I'm so proud of him.
As proud as I am for him, I am absolutely terrified for me. A friend and I were talking. She’s in a similar situation. Her youngest leaves for college in a few weeks so my friend and her husband have started “hanging out” with other couples.
“it’s kinda weird hanging out with adults when so much of our lives revolved around our kids. I come home and I literally have nothing to do.”
Her words reminded me of all those hours spent in the car as my kid’s practice ran late or waiting at the school for the bus to arrive from that Away game. So much of the last 18 years my schedule has been well, his schedule.
I kinda' figured this would happen so I made plans. My best friends and I started making travel plans. We had been talking about what we'd do once my kid started college. Countless phone calls, texts, Facebook posts and so many plans.
Then in June everything changed. Both my friends passed away unexpectedly.
In a matter of 12 days I lost 2 of my very best friends. On the day of one of my friend's funeral I was visiting the other at the hospital. We had been talking about life after my kid graduates high school. We had talked about my upcoming return to the S.F. Bay Area and the big backyard BBQ. We spoke about Costa Rica as a possible spot or even just taking a much needed “girls trip”.
I've never felt a loss so deep in my entire life. There are days a weight weighs so heavily on my heart I feel as if my chest is caving in. There are moments tears fall from my eyes as I think of my life without their presence.
A loss I am forced to accept.
A loss I am struggling to comprehend.
A loss unlike anything I've ever known.
I was preparing for emptying our little nest by preoccupying myself with other activities with dear friends and a slow return to finding myself. Now I am taking deep breaths and saying "You got this" over and over as if it's some sort of mantra or something. A reassurance of being in the present despite the physical absence of those who were to join me on this next phase of my life journey, a journey I will now have to face all alone but I'll be okay. I got this.
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